Faith, Hope, and Love

The message this morning at church was about hope in the midst of pain. I couldn't help but think of the time in the hospital when Alex was born. More specifically, the NICU where he was hooked up to an IV because of low blood sugar, bacterial infections, and because he had a 6 minute seizure. I also thought about the horrible emptiness that Dacian and I felt when we came home without him. However; there was one moment that stands out over them all. I had just gotten to see Alex for the first time after his seizure and the doctor told me that the cause of it was one of two possibilities. One possibility was less serious and fairly common. The other was far more serious and could mean that Alex would eventually not survive. We wouldn't know which was the cause until after they ran a few tests, but the doctor was pretty certain it was the less serious cause. I walked back to our room to find Dacian crying from the stress of everything. I crouched down on the floor with her and we cried together. It was simply the most helpless I'd ever felt, and no one could fix it. No doctor, family member, friend, nobody could look us straight in the eye and tell us everything was going to be fine. Alex will be ok. No one could do that. We had nothing.

The moment Alex was born I was instantly in love with him. And it was immediate. That's what I remember so well... how immediate and overwhelming that love was. The very first glimpse I had of him coming into the world, I was enamoured with him. This kid was going to be great. The next amazing athlete or astronaut, maybe the next great chemist who discovers the cure for cancer, maybe even emperor of the world. The sky was the limit. I was instantly in love and proud of all that he was and was going to be.

I only say that because I can't help get past how ridiculous this next statement will be. While Dacian and I were crying on the floor we began to sing my favorite hymn "It is well with my soul." I've been thinking about this all morning. How can I explain this so that people would understand? To a Christian it sounds very cliche like we were just doing the "Christian thing" and perhaps trying to score some points with God. To the non-Christian it could sound like we were insane or brainwashed into thinking we must love God more than our own child. So, the only thing I can think to say is the reason we would start singing in the middle of that horrific pain was because it was all we could do. Putting our hope in God was all we had. I admit to not having the faith that God was going to make sure Alex would be ok. I just didn't know what was going to happen. The odds were in Alex's favor but I didn't have any kind of assurance. Whatever faith I did have that could have caused me to sing was that God is still God and that will remain a constant. Whatever was going to happen to Alex or Dacian or myself, God would remain God. While that may sound incredibly dry and perhaps even cold, there is hope there. What ended up happening is of course what this blog is mostly about and you've probably already read most of it. Alex is an amazing kid who loves to laugh, jump, and smile. And forgive me for being cliche, but I am quite certain that the reason for all that pain we went through is answered with God saying a great big "I LOVE YOU" to Dacian and myself with every breath Alex breathes.